How To Be Unexceptional When Almost Everybody Else Is A Superhero

On Thursday Rob Smith found out he was a superhero. Whoopee. How fantastic. I suppose you’re already judging me for not being excited, looking down your nose at me, a young man with no ambition. You know what? That’s alright. Go ahead. Nobody expects much out of me.

 Anyway, I was sitting behind Rob, trying to listen to Professor Reinhart explain a particularly complicated and interesting segment of macroeconomics, when Rob starts glowing. And I’m thinking, weird, maybe he’s turned his phone flashlight on for some reason, so I whisper: “Can you cut that out?!”

And he starts yelping: “Hey! Hey! Oh my gosh, guys, I can pull things towards me!” The next thing you know, a chair is tumbling through the air towards him, arcing over the heads of the people in the front row, and he’s standing there, with the chair in his hand, looking all glowy and impressed with himself. I wondered what would have happened if one of those students he just hurtled a chair over had stood up to see why he was glowing and got a chair in the face, but nobody seemed to mention the safety risks of what he’d just done. Nobody ever does when someone breaks into powers.  

So there was the usual hoopla when someone breaks into a really impressive power, which apparently telekinesis is. They all said it was about a billion times, anyway, so I guess it must be true, though I think that glowing thing is going to be a problem if he ever has to do night ops.

And Rob’s girlfriend Cassie is giving him the “I adore you” eyes, and at the same time bawling, because of course, Rob’s going to pack up and go off to the military where they train all the supers. Honestly, their relationship was probably doomed anyway because she’s too good for him, and everybody knows it, but this way he’ll get to pretend it was him who was better than her and go off with some spandex covered broad and leave her heartbroken and wondering what might have been. When ‘what might have been’ was that in two month’s time she’d have come to her senses and dumped him. It just says something about the justice in the world.  

I just left. I knew Professor Reinhart would want to join the adoring throng and we wouldn’t get another sensible word out of him for the rest of the class period. He’s a decent professor, but he does share the dismal hero-worshipping tendencies of the rest of the world. I waved the door open and left the cacophony. It shut behind me, muffling the noise.

Before putting my textbook in my backpack, I put my finger on my book for five seconds so I could absorb any of the extra knowledge I hadn’t gotten in class. If I’ve really enjoyed the lecture, I don’t do that, out of respect for the professors that actually have anything in their heads worth teaching us. But Reinhart let us down, and I wasn’t feeling charitable.

Behind me, the door swung open and Rob’s girlfriend came out, still wiping away her tears. Cassie is shorter than me—a lot of women aren’t—and has a head full of white-blonde curls.

“Hey Seth,” she said, sniffling. Since I had my backpack open anyway, I offered her a tissue. I wasn’t sure whether I should offer congratulations or condolences. “I thought you’d want to be spending as much time with Rob as possible. You know, before they whisk him off to the military academy.”

This produced more tears. I have never been good with women.

I started to walk away, assuming my absence would be preferable to my company, but to my surprise she started to walk with me. “It’s just he’s so shiny…I mean, literally shiny now. And he’s going to go off and there will be all those superpowered girls, and I’m just, you know, plain old me, and unexciting…”

Ah, exactly as I had predicted. Foolish girl. It was a criminal misunderstanding of which person brought value to their relationship. She was abstracted enough that I took a chance and opened the door for us without her noticing that I hadn’t touched it. Nobody expects door-opening powers, so I simply don’t mention them. I have no intention of being shipped off to a military academy to be laughed at for the rest of my life. They can have the “shiny” ones and I’ll stay where I am and get a decent degree in something marginally interesting, thank you very much.

“I’m sure he’ll be faithful,” I lied. “He’s a good guy.” But not good enough.

She gave a sad little laugh and said, “Yeah…he is. I guess it’s partly just jealousy. You know—wouldn’t it be nice to be special and different like the supers? –And I know they have to go away and join the military and fight wars—it’s not easy…but some stupid part of me thinks it would be worth it to…to matter.” She took a deep breath. “Gosh, I’m sorry, that’s spectacularly selfish. Rob’s going to give up everything to go fight for our country and I’m moaning about not being special.”

“Rob’s a nice guy,” I lied again, “but having superpowers doesn’t make you more special than someone else.” That was the absolute truth—and privately I doubted that even half of the supers and probably fewer of their handlers believed it.  

She nodded. “Yeah…it just doesn’t feel like it. Where are you off to? I’ve got to get a book for us at the library. We’re doing a joint report on neoclassical economics for the midterm. He was going to pick it up for us but now…I guess I’m doing it on my own…” She blew her nose and ducked her head so I couldn’t see her trying not to start crying all over again.

I opened the door for her again at the library. And I got her the book. It was on a top shelf, and she asked nicely. Also, even though I am not nearly as tall as Rob, I can levitate up to six inches into the air, so I waited till she was looking elsewhere and floated up to get it.  I’m pretty good at sneaky floating. I’ve been pilfering stuff abandoned on top shelves for years.

She smiled at me, a watery, red-rimmed smile. “Thanks, Seth…” She hugged the book to herself, “I’m sorry if I’ve been a pest, just tagging along and blabbing at you, but it really helped just to talk about it, you know? I’m sure Rob and I will be fine; it’s just the initial shock, I guess. Anyway, I appreciate the listening ear. I’d give you a hug but I know you’re not a hugger.” She squeezed arm, smiled at me, and walked away. I may have stood there, watching her go, for a while.   

The next day Rob was shipped out. It was your typical send-off. Everybody was out on the quad, cheering and chanting and jumping up and down. He paraded down to the parking lot where the black SUVs were waiting to pick him up. He was grinning from ear to ear and tossing things all over the place—and glowing. I really didn’t think that glowing would stand him in good stead; it was obvious even in the daylight, and who wants a partner that walks around blinking on and off like a giant firefly?

Cassie was there, hanging on Rob’s arm, but he didn’t so much as glance at her. Oh, I thought, she should definitely worry about those spandex covered superwomen…But it didn’t make me happy to think it.

It goes without saying that I didn’t participate in the festivities. I was busy with my own plans. I wouldn’t call myself a supervillain, but if you’re not going to be a super, that makes you pretty much automatically a villain of some type, and I’d decided that theft would be a good angle for me.

Nothing nasty, no mugging, nothing like that. I’m not physically impressive, I know that. But pilfering. Filching. Sneaking. The kind of thing available to you when you can open any door, locked or not, without touching it, and when you can float six inches into the air.

(Full disclosure: in addition to the floating, door opening, and reading textbooks without opening them, I can also make cats itchy by thinking at them hard—which would be great revenge if I were allergic to cats, but I’m not. And I can make the grass on your lawn grow really fast. I haven’t found a use for either of those things.)

This trip was merely preparatory for the night’s activities. I needed to move a security camera two inches to the left so that I’d be able to slip into the main academic building that night to get up to the science lab and filch a new shipment of particularly expensive microscopes. I hadn’t done anything like this before—sure, I’d been swiping stuff forgotten off top shelves for years, and I’d stolen a few odds and ends that people didn’t want, but this was my first foray into actual villainy. I wasn’t worried though. I’m a natural. How could I be anything else with lame superpowers like opening doors and floating a few inches above the ground? It’s the telekinetic ones that get to do good in the world

By the time I’d finished adjusting the camera and getting other details straight for the night’s thievery, the crowds had dispersed. There was just one person, slowly walking up from the parking lot, her white blonde head bowed, her arms wrapped around herself. I turned away and went back to my dorm. Even if Cassie wasn’t grieving a boyfriend lost to heroism, she wouldn’t want one involved in crime.  

I spent the rest of the day catching up on schoolwork. A paper to write, some homework to complete. It was no doubt due to apprehension about the night’s activities that led me to stare out the window so often. I saw Cassie a lot, still walking with her head down and her arms wrapped around herself. Even after night had fallen, when I was going down to the cafeteria, I saw her out there, still walking, visible only by her light hair in the dusk.

Finally, the moment arrived. It was a Monday night, on a cold November just after midterms; it seemed the likeliest time to not run into late night partiers or studiers. I pulled on my black hoodie, grabbed my ski mask, and slipped out the back door.

If I had timed everything right (and I had) I had exactly fifteen minutes to make it to the science lab on the basement level.  Quickly, I trotted down the steps from my dorm, and headed across the quad to Bailey, the main academic building. To get to the side entrance I’d chosen, I went through a copes of trees beside an administrative building.

In the darkness, I heard a sound, muffled. I stopped. Glanced at my watch. It was probably a deer, or maybe a cat. I should keep going. I didn’t keep going. I walked towards the sound, as quietly as possible, hugging the bushes, keeping into the darkness beneath the trees.

The streetlights glowed orange, and in the dim light, I saw two figures struggling in the square indent of a fire escape. The muffled sounds were more insistent, panicked. The hair on the back of my neck prickled. But….this was a mugging—this was an actual criminal, one of my brethren, I supposed. I should just go; let the poor sod who’d been so foolish as to be out this late loose his wallet and get on with my own villainy. My grand destiny. The only way to use my talents.

And then I saw her hair, and I heard her cry out in pain and fear. 

He had her pinned against the wall beside the basement door of the building. They were down three steps. There was a light, but it was dim, barely outlining their figures as he slammed her head against the wall—I don’t need to move my body at all to open doors, but I reached out with my hands and wrenched the door open—fast. It thumped into the back of his head, knocking him sideways, and then I slammed it, catching him on the shoulder and tumbling him backwards. Then I whipped it open again as he staggered up and caught him in the face. He collapsed, limp, and I rushed forward to hold up Cassie.

The police were confused about how I managed to overwhelm Cassie’s assailant by beating him with the door, but apparently he was a serious offender they’d been chasing for months and they were happy enough about catching him that they didn’t pry too hard.  They clapped me on the shoulder and told me I’d done good, but it wasn’t anything compared to the way Cassie looked at me. Like I was a hero. Like she trusted me. When it was all said and done and the police had gone, I took her to her dorm and promised to meet her for breakfast. And you know, as I walked back to my room, literally floating six inches into the air, it occurred to me that I had done something heroic. Almost by accident.

 And I realized that it’s possible—I’m not making any promises here—but there is a chance that I might not have to take up a life of crime to do something important with my life after all.